


We'll have San Junipero

by AliciasClarke (fyeahgila)



Category: Black Mirror, Black Sails
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, New Technology, Sci-Fi, Silverflint AU, past-life regression, san junipero au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 05:42:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10780737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fyeahgila/pseuds/AliciasClarke
Summary: In the year 2057 technology allows to go back and re-live your past lives. In one of these lives, John was a pirate king, realizing too late that he was in love with James Flint. Re-living dozens of lifetimes, but never finding James again, John decides trying another new tool in order to re-connect with his soulmate...





	We'll have San Junipero

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there :)  
> some of you might know my other Silverflint AU and I just wanna let you know that I haven't abandoned it, I just got a little stuck, because James's mindset in the 11th chapter is really dark and really tough to get into, but I will try to continue writing soon!  
> In the meantime, I watched the Black Mirror episode San Junipero and then got the idea for this oneshot. Everything that has to do with past-life regression is my own touch, the original characters and original San Junipero idea doesn't belong to me, however, I changed a few of the "conditions", because actually San Junipero as it appears in Black Mirror isn't just a test phase and you can go there once a week.  
> Hopefully you enjoy reading this :)

oOo Year 2057, New York City oOo

In another lifetime, he’d been a pirate king. Of all the lives, he’d seen himself living yet, this was one of the roughest and most unforgiving ones. It was also one of the most beautiful and tragic ones at the same time. There had been so much fighting, so much pain in this world. But there also had been love. It was the only lifetime he’d been to so far, where he found love twice. But he also lost them both in the end. Nassau had always seemed like a place of freedom in those times, but ultimately it had cost him everything. 

So, when he put the little electronic device at his temple that would allow him to leave this current world, his current, actual lifetime, for five hours a week, by now it wasn’t Nassau anymore where he’d be going. What use would it have? You could only re-live each lifetime once, all the good memories he had of Nassau, already happened and he couldn’t have them for a second time. When he went back now, he’d just be grumpy and disappointed. Madi would be there, still. Although he couldn’t understand why. She didn’t deserve him treating her like that, she deserved so much more that he wasn’t able to give her anymore. Instead he was still pining after a man he could never get back anymore. He’d let James Flint go willingly, for the greater good. It was the only way possible to ensure peace, to make sure that Madi was safe and would stay so. But he’d realized far too late that with Flint, also a part of himself had departed. Maybe a part of Madi as well. They’d been good friends, also and he was aware that she possibly never forgave him for sending Flint away like that. Even if he had met Thomas again, his truest love. For John, maybe Flint was that, his truest love. But the moment he realized, it was too late already. And now, he could never see him again, at least not in that life in Nassau. 

He’d went to many of his previous lives by now, but Nassau was the only one so far, where he’d met James. He’d lived in so many areas, been a warrior in old Rome, lived as a beggar more than once, saw different British kings come and go, he was a cook one time, an actor another time, he lived in the Rocky Mountains taming wild horses, he fought in WWI. A couple of times he met Madi, was married to her three times, had children. They mostly lived happy lives then, not like the one in Nassau. Sometimes he also just encountered her and they never really got to know each other. Those were the saddest lifetimes. Because he knew that she was out there, but not with him. 

In all those worlds, all these lives since Nassau, he had been looking for James as well. But so far, he hadn’t been lucky enough to find him. Whenever he put on the device that brought him to one of his past lives, which was almost each Saturday or Sunday, he’d be hoping to finally end up somewhere where James was as well. He wanted, needed, another chance to meet him. Then he wouldn’t fuck up again, he’d do his best to make it work, he wouldn’t lose him a second time. 

It was Sunday afternoon and he hadn’t used up any of his hours with the past-life regression technology for this week. So, he decided that it was time to try again, maybe end up in another life that he didn’t know yet. When you put on the device, you never knew where it would take you to. Unless you’ve been to a place before. Then you could let your thoughts influence the technology and willingly decide whether to go to a place another time, or never go there again. 

This Sunday, he wasn’t eager to find out how any of his previous lives had went on from the point he’d left last. Sometimes he did that, though. He’d just check in to the life where he was a cook in the 1960s and married to Madi, just to see if they were still together and if their two kids were alright. This was one of his favorite lives so far, because it was simple, but bright and happy. He was in love and had a beautiful family. It was all he needed in that world. He’d also really enjoyed the life in Colorado in the 1870s, because Madi and he had a farm there with horses. Well, at least up to a certain point this had been a good life, because then Madi died in childbirth and he’d been alone with their baby son. Now it was too painful to go back there, even if sometimes he wondered what had become of his boy, but he just couldn’t bare it. 

It wasn’t always fun finding out what happened to you in another life. Oftentimes he even died at a young age, of cruel deaths. It was depressing and could easily bring you down, so whenever he ended up learning about a life that hadn’t been too kind to him, he usually chose to leave it be and never go back there again. 

Because it could be dangerous to lose yourself to the past. He’d heard critics of this technology warn that it had turned some people insane already. This technology was only three years old so far - stone-aged by current means of development - but there was a lot of research left to do about it. Generally, everyone thought it was safe enough, though, and so it was used as a kind of entertainment, much like going to the movies decades ago. You just had to buy a device once and then buy a weekly pass to access your past. It wasn’t that expensive, so basically everyone could use it. A lot of people even chose to permanently stay in one of their past lives when they died in the real world, just to keep on “living” for a while longer until they also passed away in that prior life. 

John had heard of a new development that still was being tested. There was a city called San Junipero that would allow people to stay there forever, if they passed away. You could also just visit, of course, but if you died in real life, you could pass over to this city, and basically live there forever. He hadn’t been to San Junipero yet, so he didn’t know what to think of it. Maybe he should pay the extra money it cost to test it now. It could be fun after all to see something entirely new. 

Sometimes he thought that he was in too deep with this technology. That he wasted his real life for it. But it was just five hours a week, so what harm could it actually do? Also, he hadn’t met either Madi nor James yet in his current lifetime, so why not try to find them in another? He didn’t really think it was a bad thing to do, or that it kept him pining after people that were long dead. For as long as you were in that other prior life, it felt real, even if it ultimately wasn’t. Maybe one could call it an extension of a real person video game or something of this kind. If he could still differentiate between his previous lives and his actual, current, one everything would be alright. 

So, he pressed a button and some of his virtual money was transferred from his account to get a ticket to test San Junipero. He got an access code in return that he needed to put into his device. Then he hooked himself up to it and lied down on his couch, closing his eyes. 

 

oOo Year 2057, San Junipero oOo

The year was the same, but he already knew this before. San Junipero, unlike all the other lifetimes, wasn’t supposed to be a previous one. It was rather a parallel one, a parallel world. As soon as John found himself in the crowded streets of this new place, he knew that it was going to be popular. There were so many people around already, how would it be when people could stay forever?  
It was a lovely place though. Even if it was a bigger city, it seemed to have the charm of a small town in some of its districts. It was close to the beach and appeared like a more beautiful, cleaner, friendlier version of L.A. There wasn’t that much traffic around, because there finally was a public transport system that worked perfectly. Everything seemed just perfect here. It was greener, the air was cleaner, the sky bluer than in the real world. The people were friendlier as well. 

John didn’t really know the rules for this place. Did people get to buy an apartment or a house here when they arrived? Did they have to come more often to acquire that right? There were people sitting around on their verandas, children playing in pools in backyards, families having barbecue with their neighbors. Everything seemed peaceful and like out of a dream. Maybe this was the reason because San Junipero was supposed to be some kind of modern paradise. A place that would be forever, that would allow people to stay in contact with late relatives and friends even if they were long gone. You’d forever be as old as you were the day you first came here. When he’d be in San Junipero, John would forever be 32 years old, even if decades passed in the real world. However, he wasn’t sure quite yet, if he’d like to stay there forever. So far, he hadn’t seen a single familiar soul and he couldn’t imagine spending eternity alone. Then, it would probably be better to just be lost to the void for good. Or he could still make new friends here as an alternative…

The first few hours of his stay in San Junipero were pretty much uneventful. He wandered the streets for a while, then went down to the beach and just lay in the sand. The sun was about to set over the ocean soon and he knew that there was only less than an hour left until his time was up for this week. A few meters away from him, a couple sat down onto the warm white sand and when looking closer, John recognized them. He’d seen them before twice. Once in Nassau, once in the 1960s at his restaurant. It was Eleanor Guthrie and Charles Vane. Or at least those were their names in Nassau, because sometimes the people he met throughout his lifetimes were named a little differently. In Nassau, his name had been John Silver, though his actual name was John Silverman. He thought that this might have to do with the lifetime where he was Jonathan Silbermann and his German Jewish family had to emigrate to the USA in the late 1930s. When he met Madi in the 1960s, her name was actually Madeline, once she even introduced herself as Maddie. 

For a moment, he observed the couple he’d known as Eleanor and Charles and smiled a regretful smile, seeing them that happy. In Nassau, both of them had met an untimely end. He was glad that at least here, in San Junipero, they’d finally found their peace. At the same time, it hurt looking at them, because he hadn’t met any of his beloved ones yet, so he decided to leave the beach. The time was almost up now anyway, he’d be back to reality any minute.

Just as he was walking back to the boardwalk, something, better said someone, caught his eye. His ginger hair was way longer than when he last had seen him lifetimes ago, grown to his neck again, just like the time they first met on that pirate ship. He also wasn’t spotting that beard anymore, just stubbles. But there was no question that this man wandering around all by himself, apparently deeply lost in his thoughts, was the man he’d got to know as James Flint all these centuries ago. But before he could do anything else, before he could even decide what to do, he felt that familiar ache in his temples, and the next time he blinked he was back in his living room in New York. 

 

oOo One week later, New York City oOo

“What do you mean I’ve used up my monthly time?”, John called, exasperated. He was sitting on his bed Sunday morning, talking to his device. 

“It means that you cannot buy another access code for San Junipero within another three weeks”, a female voice explained to him. 

“But why? I’ve got a right to a five-hour access each week!”, he complained, not understanding the problem, fairly aware that he was being annoyed at a computer at the other end of the line. Though, through the years those artificial voices actually had improved a great deal and by now you could barely differentiate anymore whether you were talking to an actual human being or not. 

“San Junipero is still in a beta phase. For as long as it is being tested, every client is just allowed to buy an access code once a month”, the female voice explained to him calmly. 

“Well, you could at least put this info into one of your ads, couldn’t you?”, John sighed and just hung up. 

This wasn’t fair at all. Now, he’d finally found James again, for the first time in over three hundred years and there was no chance he could see him before next month. It was ridiculous. You might think that after all these years, John would have learned to wait, to be patient, but no, it wasn’t all these years. He hadn’t been looking for him for three hundred years, actually. The first time he tried that technology was in 2055, about two years ago. He might have re-lived centuries of his lifetime, but in truth he’d just spent a couple hours each weekend in those other lives. 

But this was different, San Junipero was something entirely else. It wasn’t a long-gone life that he could go to and see what happened there. San Junipero happened in real time. Sure, you always stayed the same age when in that other world, but time still passed. Three years from now, when it would be 2060 in the real world, in San Junipero it would be 2060 as well. John would actually be 35 by then, in San Junipero he’d be 32 forever. San Junipero meant, that people who went there now, actually were alive right now. They were somewhere in this world, still alive. Sure, within no time there would be a lot of people there who were dead, but their percentage was only 5% so far, since this was still a test phase. 

So, there was a really huge chance that James, since he’d been in San Junipero last week, now actually was around somewhere, alive and breathing. And John wanted to go back there to see him again so badly. He barely had got a good look at him the weekend before. It was basically in his last few seconds there that he’d spotted him. Actually, he started to doubt himself a little. What if it hadn’t even been James? No. He was fairly certain that it was him. It could only have been him, he knew him. 

How should he survive not being able to see him for three whole weeks, when he knew exactly well that he was out there somewhere? He just had to go back to San Junipero and talk to him. Figure out where he was in the real world. Then maybe they could meet for real. Maybe he finally could meet his soulmate in real life. 

 

oOo Three weeks later, New York City oOo

The first thing John did when waking up that morning, was checking his device to find out whether he could buy another access code for San Junipero. It worked and he got his code within a few seconds. He was tempted to go there right that moment, but he had some errands to run and chores to do first. Running errands and doing chores in 2057, meant telling your smart devices what to do and checking if they all still worked well or needed an update. So, within an hour everything was done and once more John thanked all the tech gods for their brilliant achievements because as a person who had experienced life in different centuries, the actual one was by far the most convenient. 

When everything was done and he’d watched a few hologram messages from friends and replied to them, he took his device and lay down on the couch. Just by pressing a few buttons he was back in San Junipero within moments.

 

oOo San Junipero oOo

If he was being honest, he had no plan where he should start looking. This city was too big. It was a wonder he’d even seen James the first time. Walking down to the beach once more, he tried not to panic. What if he’d chosen the wrong day, the wrong time? It was Saturday noon. What if James decided to get here Saturday evening or Sunday afternoon? Why didn’t he think about this better before? He definitely should have come here again Sunday afternoon or evening, because this was when James also was there the last time. 

Also, what if James didn’t even remember him? What if he’d never been back to his lifetime in Nassau yet? What if he just didn’t know who he was? The closer he got to the ocean, the less hopeful he became. There were just too many variables in this equation. It wasn’t as easy as he’d thought it would be. It was far from easy, actually. Maybe he’d spent months, years, just trying to find James again here. What if he hadn’t liked it the last time and decided not to come back? What if John finally found him and then he wouldn’t remember? After all, you couldn’t just ask a perfect stranger where they were actually living in the real world and if they wanted to meet you. 

Down at the beach there was no sign of James. But he spotted Eleanor and Charles walking along, bare feet in the wet sand. Should he dare to go over there and talk to them? Maybe they knew James. Maybe they didn’t know John and thought he was being silly. Either way, he didn’t want to spend the rest of his five hours here just wandering around alone, so he went over there. 

“Hey there”, he said, smiling a little, hoping they did remember. Both looked at him curiously, but only Charles had the flicker of recognition in his eyes. 

“Hi”, Eleanor returned, smiling as well. 

“You’re John Silver!”, Charles exclaimed, a little baffled. 

“Well, technically I’m John Silverman, but…”

“I’m sorry, I just...never...I’ve been to Nassau a couple times recently. I didn’t think I’d see anyone from there...here”, Charles explained and shook his hand. 

“I’m Charles, this is Ellie”, he introduced the two of them. 

“You’ve met before?”, Eleanor, who was actually named Ellie, wanted to know. 

“Yeah, yeah, I told you about Nassau, right? He was a pirate as well”, he told her as they were just standing there, still curiously eyeing each other. 

“Oh, yes, that dreadful life where you were hung at gallows? It seemed horrible”, Ellie commented.

“Actually, you were quite powerful there”, John recalled. 

“I haven’t been there yet, wondering when this will happen”, she returned, shrugging. 

“So...you guys met here, or…?”, John inquired. 

“No, we know each other in real life. This is just a weekend trip”, Ellie explained, laughing. 

“We’re just looking around a bit, seeing how things are here”, Charles agreed. 

“Yeah, it’s quite nice, cooler and cheaper than driving somewhere for real”, Ellie meant. 

“What are you doing here, also exploring?”, Charles wanted to know then. 

He seemed much nicer than he was in Nassau, then again, he was a pirate back then and so was John. He did some horrible things himself in that other life and the person he was now had nothing to do with the person he was back then. 

“Yeah...but actually I was looking for someone. Do you remember James?”, John asked. 

“Flint? Of course, how could you forget that man! He declared war to the British Empire!”, Charles explained to Ellie and she looked at him with wide eyes. 

It was weird how Ellie just seemed to be that sweet little pure thing without a clue what she had done, what she had built, in that other lifetime. Yet again, John reminded himself, that he knew nothing about her, he didn’t know what she did in her real life. They were just strangers talking on a beach. 

“I’m...last week when I was here, I saw him. But then my time was up and I couldn’t get a chance to talk to him. So, have you seen him around, maybe?”, he wanted to know. 

“No, sorry. But you’ve seen him here? Man, I’d love to get a chance to talk to him too”, Charles said and seemed excited about that prospect. 

“You do remember that the two of you didn’t get along that well”, John mentioned, suppressing a laugh at the memory. 

“At first...then I saved his life and we started working together”, Charles gave back smugly. 

“I do recall that, yeah. But...maybe he doesn’t remember. Maybe he hasn’t been to Nassau yet”, John mused. 

“I mean I haven’t either”, Ellie threw in. 

“So...if we see him around, should we just talk to him? Tell him you’re looking for him?”, Charles asked. 

“No, I mean...sure, go talk to him. Make friends with him, whatever. But first try to find out if he remembers, otherwise, just assuming that he knows about James Flint when actually he doesn’t would be a little too weird maybe”, he explained. 

“That sounds about logical”, Charles commented. 

“So, uhm...will you be here again next month?”, John inquired. 

“Yeah, sure. I mean have you been here?! It’s brilliant!”, the other man said, laughing. 

“Let’s get our devices get in contact, shall we? Then we can let each other know when we’ll be around again”, Eleanor - no, Ellie - suggested. 

“That’s a great idea. So, I guess I’ll see you around”, John meant. 

“Sure. Then we can tell you if we met Flint”, Charles returned. 

“Thanks, have a good time”, he said by way of goodbye. 

The two of them also said their goodbyes and then continued strolling down the beach. 

John had another couple of hours left and decided to further explore the city. Maybe he could get something to eat or have a milkshake somewhere, it was a bit after noon and starting to get rather hot now. 

He was walking down a street with restaurants at both sides, deciding where to go and have a meal, when he saw him sitting in a café, reading a book. He almost laughed about it. Of course, James Flint or whatever his name was now, still was a sucker for books. Some things apparently never changed. 

Without even thinking about it, John stepped inside the café and sat down at a table a few meters away from James. He first wanted to observe him a little. Figure out if he may recognize him, should he look up and see him. So, he ordered a vanilla milkshake and tried to act as inconspicuous as possible. 

When their eyes finally met, John’s heart almost skipped a beat. It was him. And he remembered. For some quiet moments, they were just staring at each other, neither able to say a word. John’s mouth had turned so dry that he wasn’t even sure he would be able to say something at all. Then, finally, the other man lay down his book, probably long forgotten on which side he had stopped reading. 

“John”, he said, his voice raspy and John was sure that he could see tears in his eyes. 

“You remember”, was all he could return, before he was up on his feet without even realizing, what he was doing. A second later they were embracing closely and he couldn’t stop a few of his own tears from rolling down his cheeks. 

“Of course, I do remember you”, James said, when they finally let go of each other and then both sat down at the table where he’d been sitting before. 

“I wasn’t sure...maybe you haven’t seen Nassau yet”, John gave back, not able to take his eyes off the other one.

It was the weirdest thing he had ever experienced. He knew that he was in love with this man, at least the man James Flint had been. Yet he knew absolutely nothing about the person sitting at the other side of that table. And all he knew about James Flint, had happened centuries ago in another lifetime. 

“I barely remember anything but”, James returned quietly. “I’ve been to a lot of lives. And once I thought I spotted you in a crowd somewhere in London, but then you were gone...I went back to that Nassau life a lot after we parted ways there. But we never met again. I lived with Thomas for long years...but you, I never met you again”, James told, not able to look John directly in the eye for some reason. 

“What about Thomas now?”, John wanted to know. “Did you meet again?”

“I don’t want to talk about Thomas”, James gave back, his voice close to breaking now. John remembered the last time he’d heard his voice like that. They also were talking about Thomas then. Centuries ago. 

“I’m sorry. What about you then? Your name isn’t still James Flint, is it?” 

“Weirdly enough, my real name is James McGraw”, he gave back, chuckling a little. It felt like an inside joke of the universe. 

“I’m John Silverman, actually”, he offered in return and grinned at James. 

“Listen, I...my time’s up in a few minutes, John”, James said then, still avoiding looking him in the eyes again. 

“Where are you living? I could come meet you?”, John suggested. 

“It’s not that easy”, the other meant, shaking his head a little. 

“Why not?”, he wanted to know because he didn’t really see the problem. 

“There’s no time for this now, I’m sorry”, James said, suppressing a sigh. 

“Then when is?”, John kept on asking. 

“Will you be here next month?”, James asked back instead of answering. 

“I can’t wait a whole month for you. Let’s just connect devices?”, John suggested, almost desperately now. 

“I can’t”, was the only answer he got. 

“Why?” 

“It’s just not possible”, James retuned, ready to get up. 

“Yeah it is, I did with Charles and Eleanor just before I met you!” 

“John, please...look at me”, James said, finally meeting his eyes again. John could see uncertainty looking back at him. 

“There is no time to explain right now, it’s too complicated. I need to leave soon. Will we meet again next month?”, James asked, looking at him almost pleadingly now. 

John didn’t understand this at all. Why wasn’t it possible to connect devices? What was James playing here? Why was he acting all weird like that? Wasn’t he more curious and happy to have the chance to get in contact with him in real life? 

“Okay, I’ll be here”, he finally agreed.

The last thing he saw of James, before he disappeared into nothingness, was him nodding and smiling. There hadn’t been any time left for him to reply, or even tell him goodbye. For some odd moments, John felt empty, as if he’d just lost something, although he probably should feel content, because he had managed to find James again. 

 

oOo The same day, New York City oOo

When John opened his eyes again in his flat in New York a few hours later, his device told him that it now had been connected to Ellie’s and Charles’s. He didn’t really know how this worked, because he’d never tried it before, but he’d long ago accepted, that all the technology he was using, probably was way smarter than 99% of human beings around. 

“How do I connect to someone’s device?”, he asked his, while walking over to the kitchen to make some coffee. 

“Please name the place and time of your encounter with the other client as well as their name to make it possible for us to build a connection”, the well-known female voice answered. 

“San Junipero, 1pm, James McGraw”, John tried. 

“I’m sorry, we are unable to connect you to this device”, the computer replied. 

“Why?”

“The recipient’s device is not enabled to take on connections”, came the answer. 

John sighed and threw his device onto the kitchen table. Why did James have to be like this? Why was he behaving so strangely, what were his reasons? Why didn’t he want to be contacted? There clearly were too many questions and no answers. And why was there always too little time to spend? How should he wait a whole month until he could finally see him again and try to get some answers out of him? Hell, he didn’t even know when exactly to go to San Junipero next. Should he meet him at the same time, or maybe in the evening? Everything about this was way too intransparent for his likes. 

There was nothing at all he could do, he knew that. Wracking his brains about it would do no good. Maybe James had freaked out at the perspective of having found him, John, and the only reaction he could think of was keeping him at distance for now. When thinking about it this way, he even did understand it a little. It was pretty much insane. The possibilities this technology offered were worth freaking out about it. Just five years back, nobody would even have imagined such things. Nobody would even have dared to think this possible. Now it was reality and people had almost gotten used to it. But it still was a little frightening. 

 

oOo One month later, San Junipero oOo

He’d decided to go to the café he met James the last time on Saturday morning. It had been the most logical option for him, so he ordered a cappuccino and a croissant and waited. 

Outside, the weather was sunny as always and people were passing by on the streets, while around him other patrons of the café were eating their breakfast, chatting, reading papers. It seemed incredibly real and incredibly normal, if he didn’t know better, he wouldn’t have believed that in truth, all of this just happened in his mind. Technology was a strange, a crazy thing. He was sensing, smelling and tasting everything as if it actually was there, as if all of it was happening for real. When in reality, every single person here, was sitting somewhere else all over the country, hooked up to their devices. 

John didn’t have to wait too long, just half an hour after he’d entered the café, James showed up, an obligatory book under his arm. 

“Hi”, he greeted him, sounding a little breathless. 

“You came”, John returned, almost in wonder, staring at him as if he was going to disappear again at each moment. 

Then he got up and hugged him, maybe to make sure he was there. James hugged him back, firmly and he wished that this wasn’t just happening here, in San Junipero. That this was something they could do in the real world. Maybe soon. 

“I tried to connect to your device, you know”, John meant, trying not to sound accusing. 

“I didn’t enable that function”, James just gave back, ordering a black coffee. 

“Why not?”

“I can’t”, just came the very enlightening answer. 

“Just ask your device to do so?”, he suggested. 

“No, you don’t understand…I cannot do it”, James said and John still wasn’t any wiser than before. 

“What are you talking about?”, he asked, dumbfounded. 

“Just that…it’s not possible for me to see you now. I mean in real life”, James returned, sounding a little desperate now. 

“Yeah, but why not? What’s your problem? Would you maybe just talk to me?”, John fired at him. 

“I don’t want you to see me like that”, James said, avoiding looking at him. 

“Like what? James, please. Why won’t you just tell me what’s up with you?”, John almost begged him now and then he almost bumped over his cup of cappuccino, having a horrible thought. “You…you aren’t…you aren’t one of the dead, are you? You aren’t dead?”, he asked, eyes wide in horror. 

“Not really…”

“What in god’s name does that mean? And what does it even mean you don’t want me to see you like that? You remember Nassau, right?!”, he almost shouted at him now. 

“I lost my fucking leg and I wouldn’t let anyone see me without the prosthetic one for months…for months. But you…you never cared about that. You never…you never thought it made me weak, you never made me feel like I needed it to prove myself. You just didn’t care about things like that. And then I did so neither. Do you honestly think that I would think any less of you seeing you in any condition that you believed inferior?”

“Even if you saw me for real…we wouldn’t be able to communicate…I wouldn’t…I couldn’t even react to you…”, James meant, confusing John even more.

“Could you just please tell me what all of this means?”

“I’m in a coma, John…”, James finally admitted, looking away quickly, but he’d already seen the tears swimming in his blue eyes. 

“You…what?”, John gasped at him, speechless. He’d expected anything but that. 

“What happened?”

“I don’t feel comfortable talking about it. Please, John…don’t you understand? This…right here, San Junipero. This is all we’ve got now. I don’t want to spend our time trying to explain what I cannot even put in words. I don’t want to argue any longer. We found each other, here. Can’t this be enough for now?”, James explained, sounding pained. 

“Will you tell me what happened one day, though?”

“Maybe.”

“Will you survive this?”, John kept on asking, feeling nauseous. 

“There is no way to tell”, James just meant, making John a little angry. Why couldn’t he just give him straight-forward answers for once? 

“But I can’t lose you another time”, he said, sounding desperate. 

“I will be here”, James tried to calm him, putting a hand on his arm and pressing it lightly. 

“You don’t understand…this isn’t real!”, John all but exclaimed and some of the other patrons turned their heads towards them. He just threw them angry looks. 

“It is as real as we want it to be”, James said, pressing his arm again. 

“But I want you, not just the imagination of you!”, he complained and James wasn’t able to reply anything to that for the moment. 

“Could I come visit?”, John asked after some quiet seconds. 

 

oOo Three months and two weeks later, Washington D.C. oOo

It had taken three more trips to San Junipero to finally persuade James to let John come see him for real. He’d had to affirm him like two dozen times that he wouldn’t be shocked, or appalled, or even repulsed at the sight of him motionless and unconsciousness in some hospital bed. Which John thought was a little silly, because he’d never have any of these feelings towards James. 

Yet, he still was a little nervous, but more so sad, because he never imagined that it would be like that. When they first met for real. He’d imagined dozens of different scenarios for this moment, but the one happening now hadn’t been among them. 

He was being led into a white, sterile hospital room with many beeping instruments and cables connected to the pale man lying in the bed, spotting hollow cheeks. This wasn’t the James he’d met in San Junipero. It was but a shadow of the man he’d gotten to know better and better during their few talks in that little café. 

John sat down on a chair next to the bed and pressed James’s pale hand. This wasn’t fair at all. Life just sucked. Finally, he’d found his soulmate in the real world and then he couldn’t even talk to him. The doctors weren’t allowed to tell him what happened, so he still didn’t know how James had ended up like this.

“Do you think you could hook us up to a San Junipero access for five minutes?”, he asked a nurse through a speaker after a while. He couldn’t stand just sitting around here, so close to James, and yet so far away from him. There was no other way for them to communicate but this. 

“You’ve both been there just two weeks ago”, the nurse explained. 

“I just need to talk to him, please. It won’t be long, I promise”, he pleaded. 

“Okay, fine. Five minutes, alright?”, the nurse replied and a few minutes later she came in with a special access code and two impersonal hospital devices. 

“Is that why I cannot connect to him?”, he asked, taking the device offered to him.

“Yeah, they need to be personalized. Those are just for treatment. We believe it to be beneficial for our coma patients to be able to have access to San Junipero. Maybe it helps them heal”, the nurse explained, hooking James up to his device. 

“Thanks”, John said, before she left the room again. 

 

oOo San Junipero oOo

They were sitting on the fine, warm sand, starring out onto the ocean. It was another sunny afternoon and a refreshing breeze was nuzzling their hair. 

“I just…wanted you to know that I’m there, you know. I’ll be there for you. I’ll wait for you”, he started, letting some sand run through his hands. 

“You don’t owe me this, John”, James gave back, turning his head to look at him. 

“It’s not about that”, he was shaking his head to underline his statement. “I don’t feel any obligation.”

“We’ll have San Junipero. Once a month”, James reminded him. 

“I know. It has to do for now”, he gave back, shrugging. 

“What if it isn’t just for now?”, James wanted to know. 

“I have faith”, John just said. 

“Will it be enough for you?”

John sighed, still letting the sand run through his fingers, not looking at James. There wasn’t that much time left anymore. They’d be back to reality each moment. 

“I’m in love with you”, he admitted, finally looking at him. “If this is all we get now, then it will be enough for me.”

He’d barely finished when James put a hand in his neck and pulled him in until their lips finally met. This was the first time they kissed and if they weren’t already sitting, it probably would have knocked him off his feet. It was tender at first, then a little fiercer, and all the time desperate, but with a promise for something better, something more. Maybe something real, one day. 

 

oOo Three days later, New York City oOo

John had just returned home from D.C. the day before, when he got a hologram call that he hadn’t expected at all. It was the nurse from the hospital James was at, who had given them the five-minute access codes. 

“...he woke up from the coma an hour ago! We never expected this to happen this soon. There were barely any signs that it was going to happen. Otherwise we would have told you to stay here yesterday. He literally just woke up. And has been asking for you ever since”, she reported to him in an excited voice, a beaming smile on her face.

John could hardly believe what he was hearing, it was incredible. James had woken from the coma. It hadn’t taken him some other weeks or months, it had only taken him days. Which was like a wonder. 

“Can I come see him?”, he wanted to know, still unable to comprehend it completely. He’d really see James for the first time soon. Not just an imagination of him in San Junipero. He would finally be able to talk to him for real. To touch him for real. The prospect of this made his legs shake a little and he had to take a seat in order not to tumble down. 

“Give him some time. We need to do a list of checks. But you’re welcome to send a hologram”, the nurse suggested. 

“But when can I see him?”, he needed to know. To be honest, it was quite hard for him not to just run to the next hypertrain station and buy a ticket to D.C. he could be there in less than an hour. 

“Tomorrow will be alright to visit. For now, a hologram will be fine”, she explained. 

“Okay, thank you”, he said. “Could you forward me to him?” 

Her hologram disappeared and a moment later, James appeared, sitting in his bed, propped up by some pillows. 

“Hi there”, James took in the call and smiled at him a little. It looked like it took him a lot of energy to just keep his eyes open. His cheeks were still hollow, obviously, and he didn’t look healthy at all, but it was so good to see him up and moving. 

“Hi”, John returned, almost at a loss of words. It was incredible. “you’re awake”, he commented needlessly, grinning like an idiot. 

“I am”, James affirmed, nodding lightly. 

“How are you?” 

“Well, feeling a little weak here, I couldn’t exactly do anything for the past half a year”, James tried to joke and then had to cough a bit. 

“You’re still looking fine”, John tried, feeling a sob at the back of his throat. This was just too much. It hurt seeing him like that, but it was still brilliant being able to talk to him for real. 

“You don’t have to make me feel better”, James gave back, and John could swear he also had tears in his eyes. 

“They tell me I can see you tomorrow”, John said, swallowing down his tears. He wouldn’t start sobbing like a baby now. This was a happy occasion. 

“I’m excited”, James admitted, almost smiling coyly now.

“Me either”, John said, smiling back through the holo-call. 

The next day, Washington D.C.

He’d taken one of the first hypertrains to D.C. the next morning. Just 40 minutes later he was standing in front of James’s hospital room, mouth dry, hands sweaty, heart pounding in his chest. They’d talked for another while via holos the day before, until James finally seemed too exhausted and a nurse disconnected them. But this was different. Now, he’d finally see him for real for the very first time and be able to interact with him. Not just in San Junipero. He swallowed to get rid of the dry feeling in his mouth and then knocked at the door lightly before entering. 

“Hi there”, he said, smiling when seeing that James was sitting up, a book in his lap. 

“John”, James just returned, a little smile spreading on his still pale face. 

He took the few steps over to the bed and then hugged him lightly, afraid he could hurt him in any way. James was too weak to even put up both of his arms to try and embrace him back. 

“I’m…still pretty much useless”, James explained and it almost sounded like an excuse as John had taken a seat and took his hand into his. 

“It’s okay, you’ll be alright”, John said and pressed his hand lightly. “You’re awake, that’s what matters.” 

“I can’t really believe that you’re here. For real, I mean”, James said, curiously looking at him as if he’d disappear again each moment. 

“Well, I’m not leaving, unless you want me too or a nurse is throwing me out”, he joked and made James smile a little. 

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“Good”, John returned, grinning. 

“You brought me back, you know”, James mused then. “A few days back in San Junipero…when you told me…you brought me back.” 

“That was my intention”, John replied, smugly. “I didn’t want to have to go to San Junipero each month to meet you.”

“No, I mean it…and I didn’t have the time to tell you then, but…I’m in love with you, too”, James admitted and it made John’s heart pound faster. For a moment, he could do nothing but sit there and probably grin like an idiot. 

“Come here”, James said, patting lightly on the free space next to him. John understood and kicked off his shoes, carefully climbing onto the bed next to James. Then he laid and arm around him, pulling him into his chest and pressing a soft kiss onto his temple. James turned towards him a little more and captured his lips in a light kiss. 

“I think I’ve wanted this since Nassau”, John mumbled and made James chuckle.


End file.
